When anger subsides: season 5 of 24
by JackAddict
Summary: Between ep17 and 18,Jack reflects on the events of day 5,the sacrifices made and what lies ahead for him as he goes after the most powerful enemy in all of his bad days. How to deal with all that's happened? Reviews greatly appreciated!


ok, so I've seen season 5 up to episode 17 and the way they handled certain things (i.e. tony's death!) still bothered me. so I decided to deal with the emotional side of the events, more or less just to relieve my mind, and maybe some of you felt the same way. this is in no way meant to be a complete recapitulation of the events, just a few thoughts from jack between ep 17 and 18. spoilers up to ep 17 of s5. one shot.

"We're talking about taking down the President of the United States." Jack said, and hung up the phone, leaving Audrey on the other end of the line. The implications of this statement, of what they were about to do, were clear to both Jack and her. Audrey, once his collegue, then his friend and lover, then abruptly taken from him by Jack's need to disappear, die in the eyes of the world, die in her eyes.

And he died in his daughter's eyes. As much as he had always tried to protect her, he had failed her repeatedly. Even as the decision was made, it was breaking his heart, knowing how crushed she would be. But it had to be done. Today, when he was forced to give up his cover, she was one of the first things on his mind. He had wanted to let her know he was alright. He had wished they could start over again, be a family again. But she unmistakably let him know today that he was dead to her. Her life fell apart after they lost each other and she had just learned to cope.

"I buried you.", she told him. _You're gone, dad. Don't come back._, that's how it sounded to his ears. The ears of a father always trying to do the right thing and yet so often being prevented from it, but who still loved his daughter more than anything in the world. He had not wanted to make her think he was dead. He had not wanted to hurt her, but he had had to.

_It's for her own safety, Jack, and you know it._, he had told himself. There was no time for explanations, there was no time to give her a call and say, "Kim I'm alive, I just need to lay low. Kim, I love you." There wasn't time. As always. And then he disappeared.

And this morning, the assassination of David Palmer and Chloe's alarmed phonecall. "Michelle is dead, Tony is critical, I'm next.", she said in a fearful voice.

_It all fits. They were the only ones who knew I was still alive._, he'd thought. He had assumed the Chinese had found him out. That they were trying to smoke him out by attacking the people who had protected him. He had to go back to L.A. and save whom he could save. If it really were about him, then the people responsible could be forced to back off if he turned himself in. It all made sense.

Now, hours later, nothing made sense.

He was driving like a maniac down a road on his way to meet Audrey and Secretary Heller. A man he barely knew lay dead in his back seat. Next to him, Wayne Palmer, who had watched his brother die. "He died in my arms.", Wayne had said. He said he wanted revenge and Jack could understand that. Maybe more than anyone. In these past 17 hours maybe he'd lost more than anyone else involved.

It all began with the country losing a former President, a man of integrity and honor, and with him, Jack lost a friend, someone he owed his life to. If Palmer hadn't called him that day, the Chinese would have gotten to him. Them or Spaulding, the agent whom Cummings had sent to CTU to kill Jack. The moment he heard about Palmer's assassination, Jack believed the reasons behind it were purely political. That someone, some terrorist, some criminal held a grudge against Palmer for something that happened during his presidency. That it was payback.

But when Chloe called, he knew. _Someone leaked word that I'm still alive and this was their revenge. And it caught Tony and Michelle in the middle. This is about me._ Or so he thought. Jack blew his cover and rushed back to L.A., fully prepared to face whatever terrorists he would have to. They had killed his friends, and he was ready to get back at them with all he had. They had taken away the people he trusted and who trusted him back, never doubting, always supporting. They had killed a love like he had never seen it before. Unconditional, self-sacrificing, self-denying love that Tony and Michelle had.

Never in a million years would Jack have expected that the terrorist he was to be going up against at the end of the day would be the man he had once sworn to protect. Never would he have thought that a man who had himself sworn to act in the best interests of the country - the country he was leading - could be behind a major terrorist plot, endangering millions of American lives on American soil. Never could Jack have believed that a President of the United States of America could sanction or be involved in the assassination of a former President. Never - except it was all happening right now. It was all true. President Logan, the most powerful man in the country and far beyond the borders of the USA, was the enemy now. The blood of many was on Logan's hands now.

As he drove towards the Van Nuys airport, Jack could feel immense anger come up inside him. _HOW THE HELL COULD THIS HAPPEN!_, his mind yelled at no-one in particular. _How could you not see this coming, Jack? Cummings was sacrificed, he must have known what was going on. And Henderson - of course he was protecting someone powerful._

Remorse was knocking hard on the door of Jack's mind now. They should have been more careful. How could they leave Henderson alone with a rookie agent? Henderson was the one who trained Jack, and if anyone was as good at pretending as Jack was, then it had to be the guy who taught him how to pretend... And on top of that, they let him escape.

"Dammit!", Jack shouted as he hit his fist against the steering wheel.

"What's going on?", Wayne asked from the back seat.

"Nothing. I'm fine.", Jack said. "I just can't believe I didn't figure this out earlier."

"Jack, there's no way you could have known.", Wayne uttered placably.

"Yeah.", Jack uttered lowly, turning towards the airport. Wayne's words were meant to comfort him, but they didn't make him feel better. _I should never have allowed for Tony and Henderson to be in medical together. I should have known this was how it would end. Tony wanted revenge. I would have wanted it too._

The last image he had of his friend was now clear before him. Tony lay in Jack's arms, a fatal syringe in his chest, pain in his face, guilt and sorrow in his eyes. Sheer helplessness, frustration at being unable to help, at having come too late to Tony's help, defeat and deep, deep sadness overcame Jack as he held Tony's head up, watching life depart from him by the second.

"She's gone, Jack.", Tony had uttered before forever closing his eyes and those words ripped Jack's heart apart, sending countless tears into his eyes. Even now, thinking about it again, Jack's throat tightened and he could sense bitterness build up in the back of his mouth. _You deserved better, my friend._, he thought. _You and Michelle, you had deserved to live. I'm so sorry. You died because you protected me. Both of you helped me out so many times and I allowed you to die. I'll never forgive myself for asking for your help that day. I should have fled the scene on my own. Should never have brought any of you into this. They wouldn't have had any reason to hurt you. I'm so sorry, Tony. So sorry, my friend._

Anger was now fighting sorrow inside Jack's mind. _Tony, I swear to you, I will bring down that bastard, if it's the last thing I do. For you, for Michelle, for Palmer and everyone who died today._

It would be easier if the bad guy were just a terrorist, of course. Going against Commander in Chief was not going to be a piece of cake. If there was ever a worst case scenario - at least as far as choosing your enemy went - this was it. But Secretary Heller was coming in, and there was some hope in there. Maybe they could pull this off with DOD's help. When you think about it, they really had no other choice.

Jack saw Audrey standing by her car as he approached her position. He knew that the anger would keep him going for the rest of the day, the desire for revenge.

He'll do what needs to be done. But when anger subsides, what will be left but pain and emptiness?

THE END


End file.
